Saturday, November 6, 2010

Just hold on....Just let go

I've spent a great deal of time over the past few weeks thinking and reflecting about our journey over the past two years. In a way, the time seems to have passed so quickly. It is hard to believe that two years ago today-on 11/6/2008-Mark and I visited UK for his initial visit with the Transplant Team. But, in other ways, it seems like our life has been turned upside down for so long. It is hard to remember exactly what life was like when our thoughts were not consumed with worries, our house wasn't cluttered with dialysis supplies and medical equipment, when the most common greeting received wasn't "How is Mark feeling?", and when the most frequent conversation didn't center around transplantation. Our sense of normalcy has drastically changed. The life we now live is so different from what we would have imagined. At times, it is difficult not to become angry and bitter with the situation. Over the past two years, there have been several times when Mark and I have asked "why?", "why us?", "why now?" As silly as it sounds now, I really was not expecting to learn a few weeks ago that none of Mark's three potential kidney donors were matches and that it may be difficult to find a match for a third transplant. I guess I felt like we had suffered enough and had waited long enough for something to happen in our favor. For two years now, I've been living with this "JUST HOLD ON" mentality. "JUST HOLD ON...if you can find a living donor and Mark can get transplanted before he is on dialysis, it will all be OK." "JUST HOLD ON....even though the first transplant wasn't successful, if you can find a second living donor, Mark can be transplanted again and it will all work out." "JUST HOLD ON...even though the first two transplants didn't go as we had planned, if we can get you referred and accepted by Hopkins, it will eventually work out." I have realized that in the midst of my "JUST HOLD ON" mentality, I've never truly "JUST LET GO" of the situation and fully given it to God. I've been so consumed with the "next step" and concentrating on what I could do to make it all go away....from praying and praying that I would be the preparing and planning for the first transplant... to reading everything I could to better understand Mark's health... to making sure that all appointments were scheduled and all tests were complete... to analyzing insurance options... to planning short term housing for our family in Baltimore if Mark was transplanted at Hopkins. Just recently, I've come to terms with the fact that there isn't a "next step"...that a third transplant may not be a part of God's plan for our lives. I've also realized that always focusing on the "next step" and constantly looking to what lies ahead often leads to not completely trusting God and truly relying on Him in the present. In many ways, Mark and I have been waiting for something positive to happen to restore his health for so long that our waiting started to interfere with our living. I have realized that I do not want anything to put my faith on hold. I've got to "JUST LET GO" and start completely trusting God today...not waiting to trust Him when something positive happens, but relying on Him now and trusting that He will guide us and protect us even if a transplant is not a part of His plan for our lives.